I Spy Fridays: Snitch Tip #6

June 22, 2007 at 1:13 pm (Chief, I Spy Friday, snitching, The Company, The Job)


be sure to have a trusted contact person

and no, im not talking about your best friend, the bum on the street or the barista behind the counter at the starbucks you go to every morning. im talking about the person who goes and reports back to someone official. someone whos not going to screw you over by turning you in. ya know, like on those cops shows? all the cops have a trusted source on the street and they always go to that source because they know the word. and that trusted source will always trust that cop because theyve never given up a name. see what i mean?

Chief is my trusted person. i know what he does for a living. its because of what he does that made me seek him out in the first place. and because of the person i am, Chief would cut off his own arm before screwing me over. but he was different. he was the deal breaker. no Chief, no agreement with The Company.

trusted sources dont have to be in an official capacity, though, like cops. newspaper reporters are pretty cool. or so ive heard. and those reporters on your local tv new stations arent exactly alien lifeforms. just sayin’.

cmon, come in. im on the case


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do you know where your kids are?

June 10, 2007 at 12:22 pm (In the News, life in general, The Company, The Job)


i saw this on yahoo headlines today: Kid-finding phones

the cons:

“Of course, a locator service won’t help if your child turns the phone off (or if the battery goes dead.”

“When Katie was supposed to be at a friend’s, her Sprint phone placed her at a nearby mall. Carroll phoned her daughter’s pal’s home and learned that Katie was indeed there.

The problem, according to Sprint: When the phone cannot receive a GPS signal, such as in basements or windowless rooms, locations have to be triangulated from cell-phone towers, which give far cruder readings.” – this was after phones from three different services offering this feature was given to a family with three teenage girls.

the pros:

“GPS is typically accurate to within a few yards, whether your kid is at the end of the block or running away to New York City.”

so, hmmm. The Company tried to give me a cell phone when i started with them. probably for this very reason. but i refused. and waited until my monthly allowance kicked in to buy one myself. i realize they have other ways of keeping tabs on me. theres probably bugs and cameras all over my apartment…

(glancing around said place)

i wonder if spy headquarters is open today.

cmon, come in. im on the case

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I Spy Friday: How to Become a Snitch for The Company

May 25, 2007 at 10:47 am (I Spy Friday, The Company)


for the record, here’s the official statement on The Company’s use of informants:

The courts have recognized that the government’s use of informants is lawful and often essential to the effectiveness of properly authorized law enforcement investigations. However, use of informants to assist in the investigation of criminal activity may involve an element of deception, intrusion into the privacy of individuals, or cooperation with persons whose reliability and motivation may be open to question.

Although it is legally permissible for the The Company to use informants in its investigations, special care is taken to carefully evaluate and closely supervise their use so the rights of individuals under investigation are not infringed. The Company can only use informants consistent with specific guidelines issued by the Attorney General that control the use of informants.”

so, about that specific guidelines thing? couldnt tell you what those would be. i dont remember reading about them, or having Chief read them to me when I signed my life away started my new life here.  ive heard they sometimes use teenagers to help them catch online predators. they teach their agents how to talk like teenagers in chat rooms and stuff. doubt they get paid for it. they probably get like a plaque or a certificate. something lame like that.

in my case, you have to upstage The Company. You have to make them look bad, and make their agents seem like bumbling idiots like that inspector dude from the pink panther movies. should The Company ever approach you and offer you a position as a snitch informant, you will want to haggle: “if you want me to do this for you, you have to do something for me.” and make sure its something big. and realistic. i mean, they cant make it so you dont have to pay taxes for the rest of your life. you would have to do something mongo like save the world. but they could buy you a car, a really expensive vacation or college tuition for all 4 years. or, ya know, a whole new life somewhere else (but this might depend on how long theyve been after the criminal in question).

so, stay tuned for next friday when I post a Snitch Tip.

cmon, come in. im on the case.

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I Spy Friday: The Difference Between Him and Those Other Guys

May 4, 2007 at 10:47 pm (celise downs, Chief, I Spy Friday, some introspection, The Company)


Almost two years ago, you know that I cashed in my Get Out of Hell Free card (see Hello, My Name is…post) and headed to the Valley of the Sun. Okay, well maybe you didn’t know that last part, but I basically left a craptacular old life and started over. Although I owe The Company for helping out with that, Chief (not his real name) was the main reason for getting out. Chief is a beautiful 6’3 Apache Indian, an ex-Navy SEAL, and the owner of Black Hawk Protection Agency. I’m his client and he’s my guardian–so to speak–until I turn 18.

There are companies out there that offer personal protection or security individuals: people who will analyze and protect someones personal business,home or property. Making sure someone is safe in their surroundings. Of course, there are also private investigators that can provide services for the individual (think spousal or matrimonial stuff) or a small business. But that’s not how Black Hawk Protection Agency works. It started with Chief, then the guys from his SEAL unit joined after their tour was up, and now he’s in charge of almost ten guys.

And they protect children, ages 4 to 19.

Children born of famous actors, actresses, visiting dignitaries, and billionaries.

And a then-15 yr old girl who’d sold her soul to the devil The Company for a new life.

In Celise’s words, “He’s the Vaughn to your Sidney.” (Can we say, too much Alias, boys and girls?)

I never watched the show, but it was one of her favorites and she explained what she meant.

So, yeah. I like it. Cool.

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Taking it on the chin

April 29, 2007 at 12:47 pm (A Royale Pain, agent search, Book One, book stuff, Book Two, celise downs, GQ, Party Gurl, The Company, The Series)


so celise received Rejection #37 yesterday. this was from an agent that requested, like, the first 50 pages or something. the first time. and then she requested the full manuscript!


they passed. it’s not anything she hasn’t heard before, y’know?

 “…in many sections, the level of description went too far to keep the novel moving along at the right speed…”

for all you agents out there, she’s working on it. really. but there were some good points, too. she liked me. she really liked me. and she thought Party Gurl and GQ were hysterical. so true. my friends are total riots. but she also thinks celise is a great writer (i do, too. i mean, she wrote about me, didn’t she?) and would be happy to take a second look when it’s been revised. as well as other projects.

like I said, she’s working on it. she knows what has to be done and getting reminder letters about it is probably like tap dancing on a nerve.

in May, she’s going to start writing Book Two. first draft only, of course, and she’s determined to finish it by 11/01. i’ll keep you posted on how she’s doing. its going to be a little difficult for her because she’s not used to deadlines, but she’s going to try real hard. and i’ll help her by kicking her in the boo-tay when she starts slackin’.

ive been so ready for my next assignment to start. i think i did pretty well my first time out, even when i had some unexpected–and unwanted, at first–help. i got to be pampered at a spa for almost a whole day. a high-class spa that famous people visit. they were having some problems, but as you know, i was on the case and wouldnt you know it? problems be-gone.

so, assignment #2. all celise will tell me is that it has something to do with a coffee shop. I don’t particularly like coffee. i prefer tea. chai tea if you wanna get specific. Either way, this should be interesting. hell, i work for The Company. ‘Uninteresting’ is not in their vocabulary.

(rubbing my hands together with glee). im ready, Ms. Author Lady. bring it.

cmon, come in. im on the case.

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Hello, my name is…

April 28, 2007 at 8:12 pm (A Royale Pain, Book One, celise downs, The Company, The Series)


hey. My name name’s DA, im  16-yrs-old. And im a spy. yeah, okay, not really. im more of a snitch. i mean, i dont travel to exotic places, i dont wear disguises, i dont handle or carry weapons (unless you count my Canon AE1), and i dont work for a top secret agency. well, three out of four isnt bad. let me explain.

you see, i was abandoned by my biological parents as a baby and i’ve spent all my life in the foster care system. i graduated from high school at the age of 13 (Yay for homeschooling). At 15, i ended up with the Foster Couple From Hell (hereafter referred to as FCFH). i discovered their dirty little secret–the bastards–so i called them out to the local authorities. so, lucky me, when i decided to play tattletale, an agency with three letters (hereafter referred to as The Company) had been investigating the FCFH for years. so, being the good citizen that i am, i decided to help them out. The Company, that is. i cashed in my Get Out of Hell Free card. three months later, i got a new name, a new life…and a paying gig as an informant for The Company.

sooooo, thats about it. thats me in a nutshell. cant tell my friends what i do, so this is my venting place about the world at large. my life in particular.

Cmon on, come in. im on the case.


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